CHAOS ON MAIN STREET
Today a bunch of TERRORISTS attacked our brave soldiers on some important errand, as a bizarre and terrifying battle took place on the streets. One of the armored steam-mobiles of our Royal Army was assailed by separatists who were probably also Irish, but the attack was fought off and defeated by our brave soldiers.
While most of the TERRORISTS were either arrested or killed by the brave soldiers defending the steam-mobile, it is believed that some are still at large! According to detective Hemet of Scotland Yard, they are following several leads and are sure these traitorous dogs will be brought to justice!
However! We have also received an eyewitness report according to which two DEVILS were battling atop the steam-mobile! One brandishing knives and another brandishing a sword, seems unlikely in this modern age, but we feel that we would be failing as journalists if we did not mention this eye witness account. One of the Devils apparantely jumped off the steam-mobile and escaped on a regular automobile, shouting insults and eternal revenge all the while. We are unsure as to why this Devil was swearing eternal revenge, but rest assured, if we find out, we will tell you, our dear readers! We are also unsure as to what this errand the brave soldiers were doing was all about, and the Ministry of Information informed us before this story hit the printing press that it was nothing important and we should not ask too many questions about it.
MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN
The streets are running red with blood again! Another mysterious murder by the enigmatic slasher in the night, the body of a prostitute was found near yet another monument celebrating the Empire’s glorious past in the Sunlit World. The police assure us that they are getting closer and closer to this villain, but in the meantime his bloody misdeeds continue.
We have also, once again, received a letter from this rogue:
“Three points. Their blood. U. U. My joy. The Black Colossus. WHORES. I paintdraw a SYMBOL with blood. Warn you. O is E. Power through Fire. Power through [word removed in accordance with the Law Regarding Things Man Is Not Meant To Know]. One is true, one is part true part lie. Four. And another number. It hurts. I hunger. S. O=E, bears repeating. Three points. He got the chest. THINGS WILL HAVE TO CHANGE. Fooooooouuuuurrrrrr. But from the end.
Blood is not the answer. E. IGNORE THE BLOOD. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE.
I hunger. MM. Remember me. Remember. Rememb. Member. Dismember. There is a message here. Please. I will KILL AGAIN."
And as always, it is completely incomprehensible. Hopefully this madman is captured soon, justice needs to prevail.
PRINCESS-ADMIRAL’S INSPIRING WORDS pages 3-5
BAFFLING MUSEUM HEIST page 6
VISITORS FROM BASTION page 7
NEWS FROM INLAND pages 8-12
NEWEST LIVING PICTURES pages 20
AND MANY MORE IMPORTANT AND DELIGHTFUL NEWS ON THE REST OF OUR PAGES.
THE NEWS ABOUT ALL THE BLOOD AND DEATH ARE NOT DELIGHTFUL, THE EDITOR WOULD LIKE TO REMIND EVERYONE. If you find blood and death delightful, seek immediate medical attention.